Wicked Commentary

Fear Not, For I Am With You

Every so often I write about how my life is going without the Hawk.  Last week presented many challenges once again.  And I found myself being very angry with the Hawk for dying on me.  I realize that may sound ridiculous but it goes along with grief. If I ever needed a man around, this week would have been a good one.  I felt so alone.

I have a scripture by Isaiah taped to my refrigerator which I refer to often when I feel like folding.  “Fear not for I am with you;  Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  Isaiah 41:10

Last week I referred to this a lot.  It really helps me. 

We had an Arctic Express roar down and bludgeon us with its’ fury. Perhaps not as bad as the North East suffered but it was bad enough for me.

The cold came roaring in on wild winds of 25mph to 35mph. It brought just about an inch of snow but turned to all ice.  Sunday night, January 4th the temperature dropped quickly. On Monday we never reached above 1 degree and most of that day it stayed at -O. The wind chill factored in at -35 degrees.  Oh whoopee.

Thank God the furnace and duct work were fixed before this happened and through the generosity of a reader I had a quartz heater to run since at those temps and this old house, it still was a bit chilly in here.

By Sunday night I had no water.  The pipes were frozen. I spent the time with no running water until late Friday night. Meanwhile one of the farm hands brought me a 20 gallon can filled with water. Only problem it was dirty water.

A few days after that I discovered that the water pump that brings in spring water was working. I carried in here 16 gallons of clean water so the animals had water to drink and I could heat it up for dishes and other things.  I was amazed to find out how little time it took to use up the water.  So I filled up each day what ever I had used. I didn’t realize how hard it was to carry that water in here until I had to do it. I used the dirty water to flush the toilet. That was excellent since prior to that I could not flush it.

I felt like I was living in the pioneer days between the water and this old house. I thought to myself I may as well be living in a log cabin out in the wilderness. I was running around the house plugging up more leaks I discovered with the wind blowing that hard. That’s an endless job with this old house.

And of course the jeep would not start up.  Surprise surprise. Who would have thought that?  (sarc).

Not that I planned to go anywhere on Monday.  There was no traffic at all on our road. People must have stayed in and not gone to work.  The same for Tuesday.  The schools were closed down for 3 days and the senior center was closed also. So any chance of getting out of here was null and void. The senior bus won’t drive in the county anyway when the weather is bad and I don’t blame them one bit.

I did bundle myself up almost to the point of not being able to walk to try to start the jeep up and take the garbage can up to the road. With the cold it was a lot of exertion. And I could already feel myself freezing regardless of how much clothing I piled onto myself.  And the weather channel kept telling people to stay indoors because the cold was life threatening. I could see why.

Even though I was locked up in here for a whole week it seemed I had endless tasks to do.  By Saturday night when the pipes finally unfroze I was completely exhausted from the week. The constant filling up of gallons of water, heating it to do any chore, and all the other chores did me in.

Merlin decided to let me sleep in until 9:30am, unheard of since he usually has me up by 5am.  I guess dogs do sense things like their human being worn out.

He and the cat were smart enough not to want to be out in that cold. Zima never left the house and Merlin did his business and jumped right back into the house. In fact he now just butts the door open.  He also escaped his crate when John, one of the farm hands was in here and scared the living daylights out of John. John asked me if Merlin was going to eat him. I told him if Merlin was going to hurt him it would have been over with in seconds. Merlin just wanted to play.

The receiver to my satellite TV crashed on me too. So no TV although I have only the basic package now, but I had a lot of good old movies on there that I recorded and they are now gone too. That is the only reason I would turn the TV on to watch a favorite old movie like Arsenic and Old Lace with Cary Grant. Each time I watch it I can’t help but laugh myself sick over again.

On Monday while it was -O with that horrible wind chill I saw a cow slowly heading down a path on the farm breaking with the herd. I thought to myself, oh no, she’s going to birth a calf in this cold. She waddled down and had the calf. The next day the farm hands showed up, found her and hauled both her and the calf to my landlord’s farm where he wants the babies to be.  I was amazed that she survived and more amazed that the cute little calf survived also and was healthy.

As far as the jeep goes, the farm guys jumped in on Thursday after the weather turned above freezing, but it wouldn’t hold a charge. I had them lift up the hood because of the squealing nose and sure enough it was a belt that is the wrong size belt. I was really angry. Bob’s  mechanic was supposed to check the belts and put new ones on, but not the wrong size. Today my mechanic who I’ve dealt with for the past 6 years is coming to get it, a man I trust and he will fix it.  The belt is attached to the alternator and I’m praying that belt did not ruin a brand new alternator.

Thanks to Bob Roller I purchased the silicone and sprayed it on the moldings of the jeep doors and I had no problem with getting the doors open. Thanks Bob! I did it just in time on Sunday before the arctic air blasted us.

I talked to the Hawk all week long telling him he picked one hell of a time to die on me.  The moral of this story is sometimes it is a very good thing to have a man around to help out during weeks like this past one. Men do come in handy at times. 🙂  Now all you guys don’t take that the wrong way. I love all you guys.

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Comments on: "Fear Not, For I Am With You" (22)

  1. Maggie Peterson said:

    I am right there with you Pepper.I pray for you every day. I wish I could say it gets better, 13 years and counting and maybe for some it does. Having to do everything myself is harder now that I have reached 81. Hey, it gives me bitchin’ rights. No heat on second floor today so another expense looming. A life long dream of visiting Israel last summer reminds me all is not lost.Eleven sweet people many years my junior guided my every step. You have people like that around you too, call on them and they will help. I have learned to escape in fond memories and you will too in good time. Hawk is still with you and he know what you are going through. Speak to him often Pepper, it will feel wonderful in time and don’t be frightened if you hear him answer.

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      Maggie,

      Thank you for being so understanding since you went through this yourself. At 81 you sure do have bitching rights. 🙂 Yep, doing everything oneself is harder than when a partner is around to join in the chaos.

      Oh, no, I’m sorry you have no heat on your second floor and of course that will be expensive, just what you don’t need right now.

      I sure hope you get to go to Israel. I wanted to go there too to see Purplegimp aka Lucy, but that dream is over for me. I have so many expenses I’d never get the money to go there.

      I do have people who keep helping me with so many things and I have become more accustomed to letting them help me. My problem is I’ve always been so independent and done things myself. But, I find I need help and have to get over my pride.

      I do talk to the Hawk often. He’s not answered me yet, but I expect that he hears me all right.

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      • PepperHawk, you are very precious to me, and I love you dearly. Now, you have said that Hawk has not answered you yet.

        Dear One, he has answered you often, and through the help that you have received, coming from places you least expected. All the people on your blog here who have responded, have been prompted to answer your challenges with ideas that have worked.

        When you have been prompted to call out for help, in things that you have no idea how to handle, that is The Hawk “kicking you in the tail”, and whispering in your ear.

        Your ability to blog your trials, and help others as Maggie has helped you, AND ME, in her responses, as well as the responses from the men here.

        Hawk is telling you he loves you, through others. And in the ways you need it the most. Later will come the conversations, when your circumstances allow you the time and the peace to hear his voice, and see (literally) what he has to tell you.

        Blessings, My Precious Lady,,,
        And Love and Living Light to you always.

        ~ ~ Grouchy ~ ~

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        • peppermintfarm said:

          Grouchy,

          I have one point to make about this. I don’t believe it was the Hawk who brought me all the people who have helped me and been so kind to me. I believe that was God. Sorry Grouchy I just don’t see it you way for once. Jesus told us to come to him for all our needs and he will bring us what we need and that is what I believe in for myself.

          Love and hugs to you my friend.

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          • It has been my experience and my understanding of the Bible, that God has worked through humans, to perform His miracles.
            And now that Hawk is an Angel, He is using him as a messenger, as well.
            But then, that’s my understanding, and we’ll find out, sooner or later, that it’s probably a “both / and” situation, and not an “either/or” .

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          • peppermintfarm said:

            Grouchy,

            I have a different understanding than you so we’ll have to agree to disagree. We don’t even know if Hawk is an angel now. No one can know that. That was up to God.

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  2. Hi Pepper you are on the right tract, by looking to God. Having been through this with my first wife’s death and the challenges that followed. At the time it seemed like my who existence was stacked against me. It was Christmas 1983 and then one of the worse cold snaps hit, minus 18, just like what you went through, every darn pipe froze. I truly understand what you are going through. I would think you know the grieving process has five distinct parts: Shock and Denial; Anger and Intense Concern; Bargaining; Despair and Depression and finely Acceptance and Recovery. It is the third one you need to be aware of and guard against, at least for me it was the worse. Thankfully God guided me to a person who had been through it and they gave me some real incite, which got me through it. John 14 : 27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      Hi Walt,

      I’ve been very close to God all my life and I depend on Him a lot to get me through all of this mess. Without His help, I’d just be a blathering idiot I think.

      Yes, I can see that you do truly understand having similar circumstances hit you like I’m being hit. It’s a bit tiring don’t you think? I’m exhausted all the time. I’m glad you had someone to give you insight into the grief process. Believe me I’ve been in grief counseling a number of times. And grief groups too. It helps to share with others.

      Yeah I know the grieving process well, having gone through the worst loss of my son. Nothing compares to that. That was horrible.

      I don’t stay angry Walt. I’m not one to hang onto it as it just destroys one inside. Allowing to be eaten up with anger is not something I would do. Instead I pray to God about it and that helps tremendously.

      I really like the scripture by John. Thanks for sharing that with me.

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      • Hi Pepper, just wanted to say hi. Any thought on doing this blog again? I pray all is well with you. It has been a tough year so far and just want to keep in contact with you and let you know that us like minded folks are still holding on.
        Best regards
        Walt

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        • peppermintfarm said:

          Hi Walt,

          It is really very nice of you to check in with me. Thank you.

          Yes, I plan to go back to blogging, but right now I’m involved with so much work around the house, getting the shed cleaned out, the grass to mow, and other yard work that I barely have the time to breathe. It took me 6 mos to clean out Ron’s study and that was one big job.

          I was pretty bummed out over the winter and could not face any more blogging at that time. Grief does odd things to a person.

          I’m glad you are still out there and I hope you are doing OK. You mentioned having a tough year. It’s been the same here.

          God bless you my friend.
          Pep

          Like

  3. So sorry, Pepper. Life is hard for widows. Widows have always been special to our Lord. I fully trust he is with you; helping you. Strengthening you. We love you, Pepper.

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      tannngl,

      Thank you for being so kind. Yes life is hard for widows and it just seems like the past in the past 12 weeks since Hawk died I’ve had nothing but one problem after another. I’m so busy putting out fires I don’t think I’ve even really grieved Hawk like I should.

      Yes, God is with me. He gives me strength each day to keep staggering along.

      Love you too tannngl.

      Like

  4. SusieLilyFlower said:

    Hang in there. God listens and like everyone has said Ron is too and I bet he’s the one who told Merlin to let you sleep a little

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      SusieLilyFlower,

      I do believe God listens to me and gives me strength, and for Merlin I just think he senses how I’m feeling. If I’m exhausted he lies on the bed with me and sleeps as well.

      Like

  5. Well it will be quite a while I be before any of it is funny. Just carrying the water would be a task. And the cow just gives birth and goes on about her bbusiness. I’m sure there is a lesson in there. but the Isaiah scripture is a good reminder.

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      Bull,

      No none of this is funny to me as yet. It’s too fresh in my mind to be anything other than a big PIA. I know I haven’t laughed about it as yet. All that extra work exhausted me. I’m still tired. I’m sure there is a lesson in the cow giving birth too. It was kind of amazing to me. I watched that poor very pregnant cow slowly waddle down one of the paths to do what is natural, give birth, on one of the coldest days on record for this area. Yes, I love the Isaiah scripture. It speaks to me.

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  6. I like that you have opted to add these personal posts to your blog, Pepper. We are not one-dimensional beings.

    And yes, I believe your anger is normal and to be expected. In fact, I would be a little concerned if you didn’t have any.

    Let’s see, freezing temps, carrying water into the house daily, pup and puddy cats that just wanted to hunker down inside, wind whistling in and frozen pipes. Gee, Pepper, I can’t imagine why you were feeling angry. Sounds like a picnic – TIC.

    I am impressed with the title of your post and your use of Isaiah 41:10 as your anchor during these obviously trying times. You are a strong woman and a role model. Thank you so much for sharing this period of time with us.

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      Mrs.Al,

      Thank you very much. We are more dimensional than our politics and our lives go on with all that is surrounding us. Some of us have hard times and I’m not the only one I know. I do like to tell these little stories of my new life without Hawk. Kind of the personal side of me that people don’t really know. I get such warm comments back too which is so very nice.

      LMAO! Yeah, it sure was a picnic all right and without the flies, an added benefit. You sure do bring my humor out.

      I used that title because that piece of scripture spoke to me in my daily readings. I just had the feeling it was meant for me at this time in my life. I’m glad you liked it. Yeah, I’m a strong woman. I know other women who may have hid under their beds wondering what to do next. I like challenges and I sure am getting them. But I think I’ve had enough for awhile. I’d like to have some less stressful situations that I could enjoy for awhile. But, that’s life and nobody ever said it would be easy.

      I’m glad you like me sharing this with you.

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  7. Oh, Pepp, I just can’t imagine what you have been going through. I know that I count on Ray so much and I need to learn to be more independent. I am so happy that you have God in your life. We all need him. Love you!

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    • peppermintfarm said:

      Donna,

      Yeah it’s a dangerous thing to get used to a man being around. 🙂 I lived without one for 18 yrs before Ron and only had him for 6. It’s been an easier transition than I thought it would be to just fall back into my single life again where I had to do everything myself. But it’s nice to have a man do the heavy lifting.

      Love you too, Donna.

      Like

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