Blarney Carney announced to the committee that he had breaking news and they found the culprits who hired the lion act that killed and maimed so many people. In fact, as the facts became clearer more people were harmed than we thought.
Before the committee Blarney explains:
There were 4 rogue guys from Cincinnati, who hired these lion tamers and really had no idea what they were doing. These guys operated within the Individual Revue Specialists (IRS) under their boss Serendipity Ingram.
Committee: Do you have names Mr. Carney, since nobody knows anything?
Blarney: Yes I do have their names, all four of them. There was a guy named Jock Chew, Val Schmearitz, Dan Fifer, and Bobby Neighbors. They were in charge of hiring the lion acts. Now Val Schmearitz is a man but dresses like a woman. I think she is a transvestite. But our organization welcomes everyone into the fold. We are a Big Tent company.
Blarney goes on: These 4 men were upset that Bammy Scammy was taking his circus to Kentucky. Everything went well enough while the circus performed in Massachusetts, New York, and Maryland. But, these guys did not want to go into Kentucky.
Committee: Why was Kentucky a state they didn’t want to take the circus?
Blarney: As I was trying to tell you, these 4 rogue guys didn’t want to take the circus and their acts to a bigoted, racist, Bible thumping, redneck, gun-toting hillbilly state. They did NOT like those kinds of people. You couldn’t trust them at all. What if they got upset over practically nude women riding bareback on horses?
Committee: Well, we think that opinion about Kentucky is a bit overblown.
Blarney: Uh, well, you might say that, but then again I don’t really know why they felt that way. I have no information on that.
Anyway, these guys cooked up a way to never have to enter that state again. So they fired their usual lion tamers and hired these completely inept ones who could not handle lions. They thought they would just cause a bit of mischief on those redne, uh, I mean the good people in Kentucky.
Committee: What do you mean, “a little bit of mischief”??? Many people were killed and maimed by these lions. You can hardly call that mischief but manslaughter in the least.
Blarney: Uh, well that’s just the way they looked at it. Like I said they don’t like rednecks, Bible thumping, gun-toting mountain people who are as dumb as rocks.
Committee: You already said that Blarney. Did no one object to these racist, bigoted views of these 4 men?
Blarney: No, nobody knew anything about their biases. Besides these guys were not racist about blacks. They told nobody what they planned to do and of course besides me as representative, Bammy Scammy knew NOTHING about these men. The other advisers or agents knew NOTHING.
Committee: What about their boss, Serendipity Ingram? Did she know about these men? After all they worked for her and she must have had some idea about these guys and what kinds of things they liked or disliked.
Blarney: No Serendipity knew NOTHING at all about these 4 men.
Committee: What has been done to these 4 men after all the damage they caused to God-fearing people in Kentucky? Have they been arrested for murder or manslaughter? Blarney, this was NOT a joke, but a premeditated act to harm people.
Blarney: Oh, I wouldn’t go so far as to say they committed murder in all due respect to you on the committee. They just were having a bit of fun. No one was supposed to actually get hurt.
Committee: Well damn it Blarney people were killed and maimed! You can’t stand here and tell us that this was a big to do about NOTHING!!! That is not an answer. Now we want to know what Bammy Scammy did about this. We assume that he KNOWS something now?
Blarney: Yes, of course Bammy Scammy knows now. He said he’d get to the bottom of this when he sent you a note on the Vegas napkin. Oh, uh, I forgot, he gave me this note to give to you.
The note said: “I will do everything in my power to hold whoever did this responsible and bring them to justice.” This note was written on a memo card from Marthas Vineyard.
Committee: Why is it that Bammy Scammy does not come before this committee and tell us himself instead of these notes? We want to hear from him exactly what he plans to do with these 4 men.
Blarney: Well, uh, he put them on suspension until further notice.
Committee: Suspension!! Further notice?? We want these 4 men to testify before this committee and tell their story about what actually happened. We are going to subpoena these men and get to the bottom of this ourselves. We have a hard time believing that Serendipity didn’t know a thing about these men. They sound deranged and mentally unstable. Why are these kinds of men working for your organization? Didn’t anyone know about them?
Blarney: I don’t think it will do any good to subpoena these men because they are being detained in an undisclosed location due to the hillbil, uh I mean the people in Kentucky could be very dangerous. You know they carry guns there don’t you? And these 4 men were not bigoted about blacks as I told you. Serendipity would notice that!
Committee: What the hell does that have to do with anything? Are you trying to tell me the Kentucky people would arm themselves like vigilantes and go after these 4 men?
Blarney: Uh, you never know what those people will do. Some of them are downright crazy redne, I mean, hillbi, uh, they can get real mean.
Committee: Blarney it is beginning to sound like you feel the same way as these other 4 men. Don’t think we haven’t noticed your slip ups.
Blarney: I know NOTHING about why these men felt that way. I can assure you that I do not feel that way no matter how you take it.
Committee: All right, we want you back here to report on what kind of charges are brought against these 4 men and when. We want the details on Bammy Scammy’s decisions. We want Bammy Scammy to testify too. We want to know what he knew.
Blarney: I can assure you that Mr. Scammy knew NOTHING.
Later, the committee relieved that the matter was now out of their hands, decided to engage in an orgy and sped over to their favorite house of ill repute. They celebrated until they could no longer walk or perform their manly acts. Some made cracks about the red necks in Kentucky and how stupid they were. One made a crack about the Bible thumping hillbillies and their God and guns mentality. Another one said, who cares about those dumb rocks in Kentucky? They laughed so hard one of them fell to the floor after so much alcohol. He quickly regained his composure snorting up tons of cocaine while the rest of the committee smoked crack. At least their job was done on the lion tamer incident and how sweet it was.