On a sweltering hot night in July
Three women sped happily by
To make their trip to Walmart.
They each hopped on a cart
Turned on their engines to comply
And off they went to shop on the fly.
Christmas in July! It was the hottest summer we had with temperatures reaching into the 120 mark. But, this was a Christmas gift to me because Purplegimp aka Lucie and Susie were coming to visit. Lucie was coming from Israel and Susie from Maryland. After probably 10 years of knowing Lucie through email and having developed a demented soul-sister relationship, I was finally going to meet the most evil woman from the land of Israel.
Dakota walked out to the car to greet them. Hawk and I managed to get Lucie into the house in her wheelie. We sat up talking all through the night. Dakota and Merlin stayed by their sides loving every minute of women love they were getting.
Lucie told us all about the bitch box, (GPS) and how it had taken them into circles to get here, passing through Ohio twice, Maryland twice and veered off into West Virginia until by some miracle they found our place in Kentucky. What on earth had happened we all wondered? We laughed for days over that one. Except Lucie was really angry with the blasted thing.
One night, Lucie suddenly decided we had to shop. We climbed into Lucie’s car for handicapped people to go to the nearest Walmart. Lucie told us ahead of time she needed to get a terrorist phone.
At the end of our shopping, we went to the electronics department and looked at the cell phones hanging on the wall mount. A store clerk came over, seeing we were having trouble picking out a phone. She asked to help us find what we wanted. I saw Susie flee with her cart around the corner, disappearing.
Lucie told the young woman that we needed a terrorist phone. The clerk’s eyes flew open wide as saucers. I joined in with Lucie about needing the terrorist phone. We could see the girl was in shock. I told her Lucie was from Israel and needed a particular kind. Lucie said, “Yes, I need one I can throw away like a terrorist does.”
The girl started slowly to smile, still not sure. She thought we were playing a game “maybe” and she showed us the type Lucie could throw away when finished with it.
Lucie purchased her terrorist phone and it was time for us to head back home.
As we drove the long dark road to get to our town, suddenly it hit us that Walmart had cameras all over the store and most likely picked up our conversation. OMG! Had we been caught on tape?
Somewhat annoyed, Susie told us, “I’m not in on this with you two morons.”
We had a feeling of sickness come over us. Maybe they did see us on camera and maybe the girl called the police about two terrorist women out and about. We had thoughts that there was an APB put out on us. Our glee dampened and silence fell over the car inside.
From about a mile and a half from my town, we could see a humongous amount of lights blaring at us coming down the road. I told Lucie there must have been a bad accident for that many police vehicles and ambulances on the road.
As we got nearer, we could see it was a roadblock. I told Lucie to dart left on a road that would get us back to my house even though it would be a long and winding way back. She missed the road. The car that was about three-quarters of a mile behind us did not and turned on that road. There were no other cars in sight anywhere you looked. Normal for our town. The whole place buttons down at 9 PM.
OMG! As we crept closer we saw a road block that would have made any big city proud. Not only was my town’s police there, but the sheriff’s also. I counted the numbers of police cars and the count was about a dozen of them.
The lights were so glaring we could barely see. As we inched closer to the roadblock, Susie from the back seat, said, “I’m not going to jail with you two idiots. I had no part in asking for a terrorist phone. You two are on your own.”
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Susie already had her hand on the car handle getting ready to jump out. I thought to where would she run? At the time I didn’t know Susie was plotting her revenge. She was planning on lecturing us, talking non stop while threatening to take the air out of Lucie’s tires. Susie figured we both would go nuts listening to her so we would beg her not to let the air out. I guess she wanted us to behave like grown women.
Meanwhile it was unsettling to see Lucie so quiet, not normal for her at all.
We finally reached the roadblock with one cop standing directly in front of the car with two others on the side, armed and dead serious.
The sheriff approached the car and Lucie rolled the window down. He wanted her documents. We all felt the air rush out of us. I said to the sheriff, “Good evening sir, how are you tonight?” He merely gave me a look that said, “Just STF up”. I shuddered. At that moment I just knew were going to jail.
Lucie was shuffling through her gigantic purse looking for all of her documents on the car. We were driving in a red drug car with Nevada license plates, a Maine issued cripple parking card, and Lucie with her Israeli International driver’s license in Hebrew.
The sheriff looked over the papers, his head down seemingly disturbed.
Then he asked Lucie for her drivers’ license. I thought oh here it comes. He will identify us as the terrorists in Walmart. Why did I say Lucie was from Israel? I was mentally kicking myself in the butt.
I could hear heavy breathing in the back seat from Susie, quietly assessing her options. My heart pounded while the sheriff looked at the driver’s license and since he couldn’t read Hebrew, he handed it back rather quickly and snapped at us to get on our way.
We could feel the air rush back into our lungs knowing we were not the target of the roadblock and Lucie inched the car through the rest of the block barely able to see the road through the glaring lights. I think we were still afraid they would make us turn around and recheck us.
We almost missed the road that would take us back to my house so blinded were we from those lights.
At first we were a bit quiet and nervous, but we then burst into hysterical laughing. Lucie and I about split our insides we laughed so hard. Tears streamed down my face partly from relief and partly from the silliness of the caper. Susie was not laughing.
When we arrived home we related the entire story to the Hawk. After we went to bed, Hawk said to me, “You realize don’t you that I would have left you two to rot in jail? I would not have come down to bail out you two crazy women. I would get Susie but leave you two there.” My loving husband Hawk shocked me. Gee didn’t he understand a good joke when he heard it? But, he said later that he would have bailed us out the next day.
But thoughts were rolling in his head over getting a call from the police department stating “Mr. Pepperhawk, we arrested your wife and another woman for being terrorists.” He knew if that had happened the town would know instantaneously. Gossip flies quicker than lightning in this little place. The Hawk was merely concerned for our reputation, not us being in jail.
To be continued………….