Wicked Commentary

On a sweltering hot night in July

Three women sped happily by

To make their trip to Walmart.

They each hopped on a cart

Turned on their engines to comply

And off they went to shop on the fly.

Lucie as a Witch

Christmas in July!  It was the hottest summer we had with temperatures reaching into the 120 mark.  But, this was a Christmas gift to me because Purplegimp aka Lucie and Susie were coming to visit. Lucie was coming from Israel and Susie from Maryland.  After probably 10 years of knowing Lucie through email and having developed a demented soul-sister relationship, I was finally going to meet the most evil woman from the land of Israel.

Dakota walked out to the car to greet them.  Hawk and I managed to get Lucie into the house in her wheelie.  We sat up talking all through the night. Dakota and Merlin stayed by their sides loving every minute of women love they were getting.

Lucie told us all about the bitch box, (GPS) and how it had taken them into circles to get here, passing through Ohio twice, Maryland twice and veered off into West Virginia until by some miracle they found our place in Kentucky. What on earth had happened we all wondered? We laughed for days over that one.  Except Lucie was really angry with the blasted thing.

One night, Lucie suddenly decided we had to shop. We climbed into Lucie’s car for handicapped people to go to the nearest Walmart.  Lucie told us ahead of time she needed to get a terrorist phone.

At the end of our shopping, we went to the electronics department and looked at the cell phones hanging on the wall mount. A store clerk came over, seeing we were having trouble picking out a phone.  She asked to help us find what we wanted. I saw Susie flee with her cart around the corner, disappearing.

Lucie told the young woman that we needed a terrorist phone. The clerk’s eyes flew open wide as saucers.  I joined in with Lucie about needing the terrorist phone. We could see the girl was in shock. I told her Lucie was from Israel and needed a particular kind. Lucie said, “Yes, I need one I can throw away like a terrorist does.”

The girl started slowly to smile, still not sure. She thought we were playing a game “maybe” and she showed us the type Lucie could throw away when finished with it.

Lucie purchased her terrorist phone and it was time for us to head back home.

As we drove the long dark road to get to our town, suddenly it hit us that Walmart had cameras all over the store and most likely picked up our conversation. OMG! Had we been caught on tape?

Somewhat annoyed, Susie told us, “I’m not in on this with you two morons.”

We had a feeling of sickness come over us.  Maybe they did see us on camera and maybe the girl called the police about two terrorist women out and about. We had thoughts that there was an APB put out on us. Our glee dampened and silence fell over the car inside.

From about a mile and a half from my town, we could see a humongous amount of lights blaring at us coming down the road. I told Lucie there must have been a bad accident for that many police vehicles and ambulances on the road.

As we got nearer, we could see it was a roadblock. I told Lucie to dart left on a road that would get us back to my house even though it would be a long and winding way back. She missed the road.  The car that was about three-quarters of a mile behind us did not and turned on that road. There were no other cars in sight anywhere you looked. Normal for our town. The whole place buttons down at 9 PM.

OMG!  As we crept closer we saw a road block that would have made any big city proud.  Not only was my town’s police there, but the sheriff’s also. I counted the numbers of police cars and the count was about a dozen of them.

The lights were so glaring we could barely see. As we inched closer to the roadblock, Susie from the back seat, said, “I’m not going to jail with you two idiots. I had no part in asking for a terrorist phone. You two are on your own.”

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Susie already had her hand on the car handle getting ready to jump out. I thought to where would she run? At the time I didn’t know Susie was plotting her revenge. She was planning on lecturing us, talking non stop while threatening to take the air out of Lucie’s tires. Susie figured we both would go nuts listening to her so we would beg her not to let the air out. I guess she wanted us to behave like grown women.

Meanwhile it was unsettling to see Lucie so quiet, not normal for her at all.

We finally reached the roadblock with one cop standing directly in front of the car with two others on the side, armed and dead serious.

The sheriff approached the car and Lucie rolled the window down. He wanted her documents. We all felt the air rush out of us. I said to the sheriff, “Good evening sir, how are you tonight?” He merely gave me a look that said, “Just STF up”.  I shuddered. At that moment I just knew were going to jail.

Lucie was shuffling through her gigantic purse looking for all of her documents on the car.  We were driving in a red drug car with Nevada license plates, a Maine issued cripple parking card, and Lucie with her Israeli International driver’s license in Hebrew.

The sheriff looked over the papers, his head down seemingly disturbed.

Then he asked Lucie for her drivers’ license.  I thought oh here it comes. He will identify us as the terrorists in Walmart. Why did I say Lucie was from Israel?  I was mentally kicking myself in the butt.

I could hear heavy breathing in the back seat from Susie, quietly assessing her options. My heart pounded while the sheriff looked at the driver’s license and since he couldn’t read Hebrew, he handed it back rather quickly and snapped at us to get on our way.

We could feel the air rush back into our lungs knowing we were not the target of the roadblock and Lucie inched the car through the rest of the block barely able to see the road through the glaring lights. I think we were still afraid they would make us turn around and recheck us.

We almost missed the road that would take us back to my house so blinded were we from those lights.

At first we were a bit quiet and nervous, but we then burst into hysterical laughing. Lucie and I about split our insides we laughed so hard. Tears streamed down my face partly from relief and partly from the silliness of the caper. Susie was not laughing.

When we arrived home we related the entire story to the Hawk. After we went to bed, Hawk said to me, “You realize don’t you that I would have left you two to rot in jail? I would not have come down to bail out you two crazy women. I would get Susie but leave you two there.”  My loving husband Hawk shocked me.  Gee didn’t he understand a good joke when he heard it?  But, he said later that he would have bailed us out the next day.

But thoughts were rolling in his head over getting a call from the police department stating “Mr. Pepperhawk, we arrested your wife and another woman for being terrorists.”  He knew if that had happened the town would know instantaneously. Gossip flies quicker than lightning in this little place. The Hawk was merely concerned for our reputation, not us being in jail.

 

To be continued………….

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments on: "Life With Lucie And Poor Innocent Susie, Part I" (73)

  1. One very minor correction. It was an international license in both English and Hebrew!
    Wasn’t that a fun evening?

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    • Lucie,

      Yes, it was a very fun night. I will never forget that one as long as I live. Hawk and I were laughing ourselves sick over it again last night.

      Like

  2. I seem to recall telling(warning) you that things tend to get interesting when I come to visit…………

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  3. Susie Owens said:

    Well you two were bad it’s a good thing I was the smart one leaving so people wouldn’t know I was with you and at the road block I was just imaging me talking my head off to drive you both insane. I’m such an angel that Hawk would bail me out . Now one complain :0 My name wasn’t in the title. It should have read Life with Lucie and poor innocent Susie LOL

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    • I think Susie just might have a point about the title, even if a little later it did turn out that that wasn’t her first brush with the law on a traffic issue!

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      • Susie,

        You have a point and I can change the title even now. I can just take it down for a few seconds and change it if that is really what you want. You so innocent one! How did someone so innocent as you ever end up running around the country with a lunatic?

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        • Susie Owens said:

          Yes that’s what I want Please and Thank You and as for ending up running around the country with a lunatic I guess I’m just one of the lucky ones

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          • Susie,

            Yeah, you are one of the lucky ones and I think you like it. I had a friend once who had stopped dating for awhile and she loved hearing about my dates, most of which were disasters. We’d laugh like hell. She told me that she was living vicariously through me since she was dateless. So, I wonder if you live vicariously with Lucie so you can enjoy all the fun. LMAO!

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          • Um, Susie is just as much a lunatic as I am. She doesn’t live it vicariously. She’s right there every insane minute of it all! I can’t think of anyone I’d rather go on a road trip with! No one can handle a bitch box(or a bitch driver) quite like she can.

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          • Lucie,

            I kind of got that impression, that Susie is not the innocent she claims to be. 😀

            She has a wonderful sense of humor and yeah to put up with you bitching is quite a character trait! I do believe she loves the insanity even though she acts like a little goody two shoes.

            What say you Susie? LMAO!

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          • Susie Owens said:

            Hey I’m as innocent as a bank robber and traveling with Franne is a treat to say the least but I used to be innocent LOL But if we ever visit again and you two do that again and we are stop by a road block I will scream “Help! I’m a prisoner! LOL

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          • Susie Owens said:

            Please I am no one Goody Two shoes I happened to be a Goody Two water shoes

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          • Susie,

            I suspected so with you running around with a demented Lucie, you had to be NOT quite so innocent. And yeah, I know you are not Goody Two shoes especially after some of the stories you told while here. One in particular I’ll never forget, but that is one that is locked up never to be opened until 50 yrs. after we are all dead to protect the innocent, and that is NOT you. LMAO!!! 😀

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      • Lucie,

        Yeah, I heard from a little birdie about the traffic incident. Ha, you thought you’d keep that one from me. I’m shocked you never told me while you were here. I will be telling about it in the next part.

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        • I’m thinking that I just might have to dust off some the Susie in London stories!

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          • Susie in London #1. A friend and I took Susie to London several years ago. She kept begging to push the wheely. It’s not as easy as it looks. I told her that she’d have to pass my test to get a license, so, she very carefully pushed me around London. She was doing fine. Then, I told her that she had passed my test. I no sooner said that, than she pushed mee right into a lamp post! GO Susie!

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  4. Ha! If I recall when you girls got back to the house and told me the story I said something like… You did what???? With the world engulfed in terrorism you actually asked the poor clerk for a “terrorist phone”!????? You’re lucky you got out of the store!

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  5. What a sense of humor y’all have. Love it.

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  6. What a GREAT story! A “terrorist” phone! I just KNEW that the roadblock was for you guys.

    Homeland Security would have had a blast! Janet would have caught a real honest-to-goodness gang of terrorists with a TERRORIST PHONE, I trust that you guys hadn’t picked up any box cutters, ski masks, or head towels too!

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    • I was informed just after the incident that Israel was at the time on the list of terror countries. Right, me with my wheely, and a cowering glowering Susie and Pepp on a terror alert list. Janet wouldn’t know a terrorist if one walked up to her and cut off her head. We were just innocent tourists………………………..um, about that bridge in Brooklyn?

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    • Garnet,

      So glad you enjoyed the story. It was for real. I said we are 3 very dangerous women together. 3 totally different types each in our own way. LOL!

      Janet N can’t find her way out of a paper bag.

      Oh, now that is a great idea for the next time Lucie and Susie are here. We must go up to Walmart and buy those items, box cutters, ski masks, and rag-towels. Then for sure they have terrorists on their hands.

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  7. LMAO!!! What a hilarious story! Susie…bless your heart. An eastern, KY redneck cop trying to access Hebrew writing!! LMAO!!!

    Don’t worry about it also being in English Gimp…redneck probably couldn’t read English well either! O how I would have paid damn good money to be with you all that night…

    (P.S. I’m allowed to make fun of KY rednecks, cause I are one… 😀 )

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    • Had an incident with a local Maine cop years ago. He was trying to figure out an international license from Syria, and asked me what it was! This after the Syrian in question rammed my little Fiat 850 Spyder sort of on purpose with his Town and Country wagon But that’s a whole other story.

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  8. Pepp, Well, great, great story or should I say series. Now I got to wait. I knew all along that Lucy was a bad influence on you. So the phone caper continues. But something tells me, and I could be wrong, again, that Suzie might not be quite as inocent as she acts. (he said while tapping his fingers wondering how long part II might take) Good episode. A terrorist phone and a drug-runner car, where is this going?

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    • Bull,

      I won’t make ya wait too long for the next episode. It may not be as funny as this one however. This was the big highlight of our stay, but Lucie has done worse things than this.

      Like

  9. Wow! I just had a frightening visual of these three women loose in Wall-mart, each racing around in dangerous electric cart!

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    • ‘awk,

      LMAO! You just created a visual in my mind and I can’t stop laughing!!! They are probably the only three that could get speeding tickets while being inside Walmart!!! 😀

      Like

    • Susie Owens said:

      Hey Hawk

      You should have saw me at Wal-Mart in Cumberland. I was riding around in the electric cart and I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to ride. Here I got the wheel caught around a rack of dresses which I was taking around with me

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      • Ha ha ha ha… That’s about what I was worried about, you girls running into a rack or something.

        So did someone have to tell you a rack was caught?

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        • Susie Owens said:

          Yeah LOL a woman came up to me and said Honey you are dragging a rack of dresses you plan to buy them all. I said no they are not my size and we laugh and she help me get them loose and a sale person came and took them back to where the clothes were about two rows down

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      • Susie,

        That is one hilarious story about you running off with a rack of dresses. I split me gut over that one. At least you didn’t have a sock hanging out of your shorts like I did one day at the grocery store. It had clung to my shorts and as I walked along unknowingly it kept slipping further out of my shorts in the back. Some nice woman finally came up to me and alerted me to my extremely embarrassing situation.

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        • It was hilarious . Ah the sock wanted to go home with you. I can tell you one thing now at Wal-Mart people see me coming they give me lots of room.

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          • Susie,

            I’ve got plenty of speeding tales to tell when I was a wild ass teenager. I got stopped so many times I can’t even count them up. I used the cops like the usual men that they are to get out of the speeding tickets. Worked every time. I hate to tell ya what I did it’s too embarrassing actually. I just used my womanly wiles on them and it did the trick. Men are so gullible.

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    • Hawk,

      I wasn’t as speedy as Susie and Lucie. Those two were out of the gate 3 horse lengths ahead of me. I didn’t know it was going to be a big race. But I got my horse kicked in and off we raced. Lucie and I were just dying to go to that electronics dept. and do our little number. You should have seen how rapidly Susie disappeared when we were there. Talk about speedy. Wow! Susie is one FAST woman!

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      • And I don’t even know how to drive a car but the carts I’m a tiger on wheels oh Hawk if we were racing I would have won. Franne taught me about the carts but I master it even if I did take a rack of dresses with me in Cumberland

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        • Susie, what about that junk yard car that cop caught you speeding in on your way home from school that time? Oh, and there was nothing about making off with a rack of dresses in my cart driving lessons! I cringe when I remember how much time I spent looking for you in the various Walmarts we invaded on that trip.

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          • Yeah, Susie, please to tell that story Lucie mentioned.
            We’re all dying to hear about that one!

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          • Okay I will tell they story of my speeding car I was 10 maybe 9 and between my school and where I live was a car junk yards lots and lots of wreak cars It was my playground. Everyday after school or even during lunch since I went home for lunch I would stop there. My favorite car was a red car I have no idea what kind only that it had no front door and no back seat. I would get in it and play like I was driving well as Franne said or Purplegimp I was speeding . I would hit the horn and make beeping sound and yell get out of my way road hogs. This was fun. But one day it ended, while I was playing I heard a voice saying . Do you have license to drive that car. I looked up to see a policeman how he found me since the car grave yard was in an alley hidden behind a building I have no idea I guess someone called the cops and ratted me out. I was so scared thinking I was going to jail for the rest of my life I got out of the car really fast I think I might have almost knock the policeman down not sure since I was only 9 or 10 but anyway I ran home and I didn’t stop till I was in the house and telling my mom that it a policeman comes I’m not home. She asked me why and I said I was speeding . I think she might have been confused. Well I hid in my room till supper and the police never came back. As for me I never went back to that car grave yard because I knew the policeman was waiting for me to throw me in jail as a matter of fact for a year I took another way to school.

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          • LMAO. Those speeding traps are everywhere!

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          • Susie,

            That is one hilarious story about the junk cars. I guess you showed at an early age that you were already a speed junky. LOL! You made me split a gut over the policeman finding you and running back home and hiding. All too funny. I wonder how you drive now? Are you a speedster like Lucie? She’s a bad influence on new car drivers.

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        • Susie,

          I bet Lucie showed you how to use a cart fast. I know you got out of the electronics department that night so fast nobody even saw you near it. LOL!

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          • Pepperhawk
            I don’t drive at all never learn I guess I was afraid I be a speed demon LOL She show me how to used the electric cart but I taught myself to speed Wal-Mart doesn’t have traffic lights

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        • SHE’S A TIGER WITH A WHEELY TOO! Just have to watch out for lamp posts. As well as London taxi drivers. Susie might look innocent, but……………..
          And they say *I’m* the problem child. harrumph.

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      • And proud of it

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        • Susie,

          Yeah, I bet you are proud of it. LOL! Walmart doesn’t have any speed limits. True enough, I’ve never seen one for the carts. With you and Lucie about the store might start putting up warnings to the “walking customers” to be on the alert for speeding carts. 😀

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          • Not the ones here in my Wal-Mart they are slower then Molasses in January but as many times as people get in my way I ‘ll like to run them down But I won’t

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      • Oh I can just imagine what you did LOL I bet you just batted those long eye lashes and talk in your sweet sugar voice and the cop just melted

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        • Susie,

          Yeah, I did that and worse stuff too. Ya can’t get out that easily with all cops. On some I had to go further. LOL! Now I’ll let your imagine fly on that one. They melted all right. Back in those days, mini skirts were the thing to wear. Ponder that one for awhile. 😀

          Like

    • ‘awk, you forget that I rode a different scooter from the very north of Israel to Jerusalem? It only took 11 days, but we got there! There’s a speeding story there too.

      Like

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