Wicked Commentary

I feel like FOH today.  I have an appointment with my family doctor which the Hawk made me do.  I am so sick of seeing doctors I could literally scream.

I hate seeing one anymore because the first 3 years we moved here I spent more time in the hospital than I did at home.  Well, that is  an exaggeration to some extent, but I know I laid in a hospital bed for weeks on end.

 In those 3 years, I discovered I had a blood disorder which I inherited called Leiden V.  My blood clots too easily.  So I have to take Coumadin every day of my life. This is through no fault of mine. It’s an inherited mutant gene. After I had two bouts with huge blood clots for seemingly no reason I discovered I had a blood disorder.  With those I had to lie in a hospital bed getting heparin drips and not being able to move much.

There was never any time in which one could sleep properly because my blood had to be withdrawn every 3 hours.

While this was all going on, I had a gall bladder that needed to come out but they couldn’t do surgery while I had to take Coumadin. That took 6 months of getting my blood stabilized before the surgery could be done.  I had to go off the Coumadin  several weeks before the surgery and shoot myself in the belly with Lovenox shots to keep my blood thinned but only for 24 hours. A surgery can’t be done while taking Coumadin.

Finally the gall bladder came out and it was no big deal, but I slipped at home while recovering and broke a finger.  Just clumsy I guess.

Also during this time, I was having to go through PET tests every 3 months due to a tumor found on my adrenal gland and a spot on my right lung.   They could not tell from the other tests if these two things were cancerous or benign. It turned out they were both benign. thank God.  But it was test after test.

Also my oncologist/hematologist found a lump in a gland in my neck so back I go for a complete head MRI.  These take 2 hours of lying in that tube.  I am claustrophobic so this was not easy. I made it however. The last 20 minutes I was about ready to panic and start screaming but I got through it.

Somewhere between all of this my only son and only child died.  You all know about that so I will not belabor it. For the first 3 months after my son’s death I laid in a fetal position unable to move except for necessary things.  I felt bad for the Hawk as there was nothing he could say or do that could console me.  Grief just has to be gone through to get to the other side. There is no way around it but through it.

Next, was my hip surgery replacement which was the most Gawd awful surgery I’ve ever  had.  That laid me up for a good 6 months meaning I could not return to full activity for that time.  I had to go through all kinds of physical therapy and I am still restricted.  I can only walk for exercise.  No running, no volleyball, jumping, etc.

Of course between all of this I had so many cat scans, MRIs, PET scans, bone tests, blood tests, x-rays, and other lab tests I was probably at the doctor or hospital every week.  Oh, yes, I get bouts of anemia and have to have iron drips every so often for that too.  Apparently my blood leaches itself of its’ iron through no fault of mine either.

Also, after having a mammogram a lump was found and then I had to have a mammogram and sonograms done every 3 months for a year. Whoopee!  Boy, was I having fun. The tests came back unable to  identify it but not malignant according to the radiologists.

I’m supposed to go every 3 weeks to have my blood  tested for how much Coumadin I need to take. I did that for a while but when the amount of Coumadin stayed at 6 mg for a year,  I don’t go except once every 3 months now.  Not what my doctor wants, but I’m sick of it. And they can barely find a vein to withdraw the blood anymore. No big deal really.  Just one more thing.

Since summer, I have taken 6 falls each time landing on my left shoulder.  Now,  that is what I’m seeing the doctor for today.  It’s become quite painful and I do not have full motion in my arm. Also I have become exhausted. I cannot fulfill my duties around the house because one chore wears me out so bad, I can barely move. That will be another thing for my doctor to check today.  What that is I have no idea.

I’m used to being a very active person so this is not me.  There are some other medical issues but I’m not going to go through those now to pile on any reader. 

I told the Hawk yesterday that the quality of my life is going down into a huge black hole I just cannot come out of it.  I thought after my hip healed I was home free, at least for a while. The Hawk and I just passed our 4th anniversary in September and I’ve spent 3 of them in and out of hospitals.  I feel worse for him actually since I’m sure this is not what he expected.  Neither did I.  The Hawk however is a very good man. I could not ask for more.

The Hawk is forcing me to see the doctor today because I have been too stubborn and I don’t want to go anymore.  I know there will be plenty of tests ordered today and I won’t know anything for days, maybe weeks what is wrong. I hate that part so much.  Why can’t we get results from these tests right away instead of sitting around wondering and worrying what the problem/s are?

I know there are people who have gone through worse things than I have so I almost hate to complain and whine.  But, today, while I wait for my doctor appointment.  Why do I have these constant problems?  I never had these kinds of medical issues before.  Maybe moving to Kentucky was the wrong thing to do.  Maybe God is punishing me for all my past sins. I certainly felt like God brought His wrath down on me when my son took his life.

I am a very spiritual person and I pray all the time for God to help me get through each  one of these traumas as I call them because they cause me a lot of agony and pain. I also pray for those others I know who are going through their own issues and problems.  Sometimes I think God is so sick of me sending up prayers.

Now, I enter another what I call black tunnel whereby I go down into that dark place for at least awhile.  I hate these times and wish I could do better than this. But, being a mere mortal I am not the least bit perfect. I get told “not to worry” or “think about it”.  But, that does no good for me.

So, today, being pushed and shoved, by the Hawk, for good reason, I get to go back into another black tunnel of test after test until the problem is found and then the treatment begins.

It is a good thing I have the Hawk because I have no family left and he is my only family member now who cares.  Also I now have a new brother, a good friend who considers himself my brother and I do too.  Otherwise I’d feel so lost and alone.

It is good I developed a sense of taking things one day at a time.  Sometimes it’s been one minute at a time.  But, it is just another day in the life. 

A wise man told me once, “Life is a struggle, it was never meant to be easy”.    How true were his words.  So I try to take each of these things as a lesson for some reason to be determined later by God.

God works in mysterious ways and I  found that He brought me challenges on many levels,  but I have seen why in some cases.  He brings me someone who may need my help to get through a trauma, a death, an illness and I can repay back in some way to all those other people who have stood by me and prayed for me.  Or allowed me to cry on their shoulder or give me comfort.  I see where I get to pay it forward at times.

I can then see these struggles almost as a blessing when I can turn around and help another person out during their very difficult and painful times in their lives.  So, I have learned over the years that any type of struggle or trauma I have experienced is a lesson to be learned.  I think God wants it that way. But, I don’t have a telephone to Him so I should not speak for Him.


Comments on: "Through the Black Tunnels by Peppermint" (31)

  1. privbullright said:


    Prayers to you. Odd for you to mention Factor V. I wish more people and docs were up on it. I will be praying. I do hope you get some faster results.


    • PBR.

      Thanks for your prayers first and foremost.

      I got lucky I guess. I have an oncologist/hematologist who took it upon himself, after I had the two bouts of blood clots, to send me over to the hospital where they took 16 vials of my blood for all the tests he ordered. And sure enough I came up with that damn Factor V.

      I’m pretty sure this mutant gene was inherited from my mother. She died of a blood clot and so did my Mother’s Mother. Oddly they both died at the same age of 72.

      So, neither of them knew they had it. I imagine I’m fortunate enough to have such a thorough doctor who had all of those tests run. Now at least I’m on the Coumadin to keep my blood thinned out, but he tells me it is no guarantee of not ever getting a clot again. It’s just a precautionary drug to help the problem.

      I too hope for faster results. It would be nice to find out today what is wrong with my arm. I’m already preparing in case I get sent to the hospital which happened at least twice when a clot was discovered. I had them first all up and down my right arm once and was not allowed to move that arm around. Kind of hard every time you have to drag your IV buddy into the bathroom with you. 🙂


  2. Prayers flying down range for you and yours. The death of a child is something NO parent should have to experience and it is my biggest fear. God Bless.


    • Thanks Gunny for your prayers.
      Yeah, I think the death of a child is any parent’s biggest fear and worst nightmare. In fact, I’ve been told by others that is it something they won’t even allow their minds to go near and for obvious reasons. There has been no pain greater in my life. I do know that much. And something I would not wish on my worst enemy ever.


    • privbullright said:

      Gunny And Pepp,

      Gunny is certainly right on target. Any event like that is a perspective altering one. But Pepp has given me, and no doubt others, a perspective I may not have had otherwise. For that I am always grateful to you Pepp and respectful of that pain. If I may, I presume it’s a badge and it’s a scar; but love will prevail.


  3. Hope you plan to keep us posted what happens with the appointment today. Good thing you have your husband person there to help you.

    Thanx for sharing and I guess the only thing I would note is that you seem to come out of each tunnel and are able to put up some darned fine posts. That’s to your credit and our gain, Pepp.


    • Mrs. Al,

      For all I know maybe it’s nothing at all. I’ll just go and have no problem except a strained muscle or some other run of the mill thing. At least I hope so. I just know my other “adventures” have been lousy. LOL!

      Thanks for the compliment on my posts. I try. It took me quite awhile after Jeff died but that was to be expected, to blogging again I mean


  4. Hi Pepp,

    So sorry to hear you are not feeling good. You’ll be in my prays for a speedy recovery. You have been through more then enough already, hopefully this will be the last of your health problems. Thank God you the Hawk to watch over you.


    • Hi Dogged,

      Thanks for the prayers. I hope it’s nothing too serious and I’ll be right back to my old self again. You got that right about being through enough. Enough is a enough already.
      Yeah, I feel very lucky to have the Hawk watching over me. I don’t really know how I would have gotten through some of these events without him. He’s been a real keeper.
      Except he worries himself too much sometimes. 🙂


  5. Hey Sis,

    You know I’m struggling right now with my typing (LOL), but I did want to comment and let you know you are always in my prayers and I’m always here for you 24/7/365. Email or call anytime and I will answer. I know you know this, but now everyone else knows how much I care about you also. Love ya’…


    • Dave,

      Yes, I know you’re struggling over your dental surgery right now and did not expect you to make the effort of coming on here to make a comment. I know it took a lot to do that.

      I know how much you care, Bro, so thank you. You probably will get some calls from me.
      Love ya too.


  6. You know my thoughts and prayers are with you and the “Awk. You say you fall frequently? I had trouble with that too. Came off the top of the transporter twice,about a 12′ fall. Lucky both times. It got so bad I’d be walking with the wife and dogs,and BOOM,down I’d go. Like you,I CANNOT stand to go to the frigging doctor. Well,to shorten the story,I went,and was diagonsed with benign positional vertigo. Some simple exercises with my head and neck and I’m fine.Hope things get better for you.


    • clyde,

      Thanks first for your prayers. Yeah, I have over the last 6 months and since you mentioned it I have been having bouts of vertigo. I saw the doc over it and we thought we had that fixed, but I think we’ll have to revisit it.

      So you’ve fallen pretty bad yourself I see. Yeah, that’s about how it happens to me, walking the dog and boom I go down for seemingly no reason. At least 3x there was a reason. I stepped into a ditch on the farm without seeing it and went down. Once Merlin knocked me down in the driveway, and once I slipped on the quilt in the bedroom and went down. There seems to be no reason for the other 3 falls. I do have bouts of vertigo in the house here.
      What kind of exercises do you do with your head and neck. Maybe I should be doing some of them too. My doc gave me some meds to take, but it seems to come back intermittently.
      Or I guess I could get more meds but I’d rather try to settle it through some exercises to rid myself of it.


  7. willibeaux said:

    Lil sis! Lorraine and I just sent up a prayer to God for comfort and healing for you and Ron

    May God calm your spirit and give you peace as you face this latest challenge.


    big bro


    • Beaux,

      Thanks for yours and Lorraine’s prayers as usual. I’m trying to remain calm, but I was pretty upset last night and never got online at all. I was exhausted by the time we got back from the doc and went straight to bed.
      luv, lil sis


  8. Pepp,
    Sorry to read the news. You’ve already been through the ringer, more than a fair share of 100 people’s pain. I’ve already sent up some prayers for your speedy recovery.


    • HN,

      Thanks for your prayers. Yeah, I agree, I think I’ve been through enough already. So I wonder why I keep getting the short end of the stick. 🙂 But, then again I have to think of others who have been through so much worse than I. However, the worst of the worst has already happened in my mind anyway. Thanks for coming by.


  9. Pepp,
    Get out my angel and hold her up to the sun…therein lies the gift! And let that sunshine wash over you…Don’t feed the evil of darkness, feed the good and the light and you will always win!
    Stay strong and don’t be afraid to lean toward the light! 🙂


    • Nee.

      Thanks. That pretty angel you sent me after Jeff’s death, I have hanging on his picture I keep on the mantle in the living room. It never comes off of there. That angel stays with him all the time.
      I’ll try to look towards the light as you suggested.


  10. For anyone who comes back here to read this here is what went down at the doc’s yesterday.

    They took x-rays of my left arm first. Then they took a bunch of blood to see what’s going on with my exhaustion. A whole bunch of blood tests will be run.
    Next I got sent downstairs to have a bone density test taken and an MRI on the left arm.
    There is no break showing on the arm. Therefore, the doc told me I have a tear somewhere in the rotator cuff.

    I won’t know the results of the blood tests or the MRI until next Wed. when I go back to the doc again when they plan on shooting my arm up with cortisone to relieve the pain until surgery is done.

    I have to have surgery on the arm because something is torn in there. If the tear is small they can use Arthroscopy (also called arthroscopic surgery) a minimally invasive surgical procedure in which an examination and sometimes treatment of damage of the interior of a joint is performed using an arthroscope.

    If it’s not a tiny tear then I have to have major surgery on the arm by opening up the bone.

    And I won’t know the results of the blood tests either until next week except for the pro time which tells how much Coumadin I need to be on.

    Of course I hope it’s a small tear.

    We were at the doc’s for about 3.5 hours. By the time we got out of there I was exhausted and in a lot of pain as they manipulated my arm for the various tests they put me through. But I was glad they were all done yesterday so I don’t have to keep running down there for another test. When we got home, I fell into bed completely exhausted and fell asleep. So that was a good thing.

    I have to add now that the doc wants a sonogram on my heart done next week to check for an aneurism. He’s thinking my exhaustion has something to do with my heart. Like I told said let’s pile on more. So I can go completely crazy for the next several weeks.

    And for Mrs. Al, I found her woodpecker. While in the MRI, the woodpecker was drilling away at quite an alarming rate at times. Then it would slow down, drill some more. While the faster drilling was going on, I imagined this woodpecker was a mutant one whereby a hummingbird and a woodpecker had been cross bred.


    • Wow … to say that didn’t sound like fun is the grossest of understatements, Pepp. Thanx for the update such that I can pray with more info. Appreciate that.

      As for your final paragraph … may all the rest of your tests (if needed) have the gentleness of the robin singing when dawn arrives.


      • Thx Mrs. Al,

        It was so funny thinking of that woodpecker during that MRI. It really did sound like one.
        Robins. Oh my. That’s about the time I’ll have the surgery no doubt when the robins return for spring. I like their sound as it seems a hopeful sound when spring arrives and things start to green up again.

        Now, I just had a call from my doc’s office I have to have another test done. They want a sonogram on my heart to check for an aneurism. Being tired all the time he’s now wondering if there is a heart problem. Gee, why don’t they just pile on some more!


        • Egads … another test. Will be in prayer regarding all this, Pepp. Hang tough!


          • Mrs. Al,

            Egads is right. Just what I wanted to hear or go through. Not that a sonogram is that bad, it’s an easy enough and painless test but I don’t want to find out there is something wrong with my heart for bloody sake. I’ll hang in there. What else can i do?


  11. What a GRUELING day you had. The exercises are simple. The first one is to sit onthe edge of your bed,turn your head to the left,lay down,cout to ten.rise as quick as you can,turn your head the opposite direction,and repeat ten times. The key is to lay until the dizziness subsides. The second one is to mark a spot with a sheet of paper on a wall,fix your gaze on it,shake your head from side to side,then up and down,wait until the dizziness passes.Then repeat. I generally do that about ten times.As crazy as it may seem,it does work. Now that I have been doing this a while,generally I only have to do the exercizes a couple times a week. When I first started this.about 3 years ago I did it three times a day.Hope that helps.


    • clyde,

      Thx for the information. I will try those exercises. They seem simple enough although the one does sound a bit crazy with the piece of paper but if it works that’s the best thing instead of having to take more drugs for this vertigo crap.

      I’m sorry you have the same problem with vertigo. Do you get nauseated too when you have a bout of vertigo? I got so sick to my stomach my doc had to give me meds for nausea.


  12. During the more severe bouts I would feel slight nausea,but never real bad. Now,when I feel a spell coming on,I do the headshaking,and generally it ends quickly with no nausea.


  13. pepp you have been such a great blessing to me! I feel the same way you do about doctors and will continue keeping you in my daily prayers. I am so thankful that you do have hawk, I know I couldn’t do without my DH!


    • FOH,

      Thx for your kind words and prayers. Yes, I hate seeing doctors and now I’ve got weeks of appointments on my calendar ahead. Just what I didn’t want.
      I guess we are both very thankful we have supportive husbands. I don’t know what I’d do without the Hawk being here.


  14. Hi Pepp,

    So sorry for all the health issues you have gone through and continuing to go through. I will be praying for good results on your latest tests.

    I can’t imagine losing a child either – they are the greatest blessing from God – I have two sons who are adults, but I just can’t stand to think of something happeneing. As Pepp knows, my younger son has been fighting MRSA for some time. We just returned from visiting him in Florida and he has it again. He recently found that his triglycerides are very high so he is being treated for that also. My older son has acid reflux with Barrett’s and needs regular endoscopies. I use to think that once my sons were grown that I would not worry about them….that’s not going to happen.

    Pepp, once again, you are in my prayers. Love you!


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