I feel like FOH today. I have an appointment with my family doctor which the Hawk made me do. I am so sick of seeing doctors I could literally scream.
I hate seeing one anymore because the first 3 years we moved here I spent more time in the hospital than I did at home. Well, that is an exaggeration to some extent, but I know I laid in a hospital bed for weeks on end.
In those 3 years, I discovered I had a blood disorder which I inherited called Leiden V. My blood clots too easily. So I have to take Coumadin every day of my life. This is through no fault of mine. It’s an inherited mutant gene. After I had two bouts with huge blood clots for seemingly no reason I discovered I had a blood disorder. With those I had to lie in a hospital bed getting heparin drips and not being able to move much.
There was never any time in which one could sleep properly because my blood had to be withdrawn every 3 hours.
While this was all going on, I had a gall bladder that needed to come out but they couldn’t do surgery while I had to take Coumadin. That took 6 months of getting my blood stabilized before the surgery could be done. I had to go off the Coumadin several weeks before the surgery and shoot myself in the belly with Lovenox shots to keep my blood thinned but only for 24 hours. A surgery can’t be done while taking Coumadin.
Finally the gall bladder came out and it was no big deal, but I slipped at home while recovering and broke a finger. Just clumsy I guess.
Also during this time, I was having to go through PET tests every 3 months due to a tumor found on my adrenal gland and a spot on my right lung. They could not tell from the other tests if these two things were cancerous or benign. It turned out they were both benign. thank God. But it was test after test.
Also my oncologist/hematologist found a lump in a gland in my neck so back I go for a complete head MRI. These take 2 hours of lying in that tube. I am claustrophobic so this was not easy. I made it however. The last 20 minutes I was about ready to panic and start screaming but I got through it.
Somewhere between all of this my only son and only child died. You all know about that so I will not belabor it. For the first 3 months after my son’s death I laid in a fetal position unable to move except for necessary things. I felt bad for the Hawk as there was nothing he could say or do that could console me. Grief just has to be gone through to get to the other side. There is no way around it but through it.
Next, was my hip surgery replacement which was the most Gawd awful surgery I’ve ever had. That laid me up for a good 6 months meaning I could not return to full activity for that time. I had to go through all kinds of physical therapy and I am still restricted. I can only walk for exercise. No running, no volleyball, jumping, etc.
Of course between all of this I had so many cat scans, MRIs, PET scans, bone tests, blood tests, x-rays, and other lab tests I was probably at the doctor or hospital every week. Oh, yes, I get bouts of anemia and have to have iron drips every so often for that too. Apparently my blood leaches itself of its’ iron through no fault of mine either.
Also, after having a mammogram a lump was found and then I had to have a mammogram and sonograms done every 3 months for a year. Whoopee! Boy, was I having fun. The tests came back unable to identify it but not malignant according to the radiologists.
I’m supposed to go every 3 weeks to have my blood tested for how much Coumadin I need to take. I did that for a while but when the amount of Coumadin stayed at 6 mg for a year, I don’t go except once every 3 months now. Not what my doctor wants, but I’m sick of it. And they can barely find a vein to withdraw the blood anymore. No big deal really. Just one more thing.
Since summer, I have taken 6 falls each time landing on my left shoulder. Now, that is what I’m seeing the doctor for today. It’s become quite painful and I do not have full motion in my arm. Also I have become exhausted. I cannot fulfill my duties around the house because one chore wears me out so bad, I can barely move. That will be another thing for my doctor to check today. What that is I have no idea.
I’m used to being a very active person so this is not me. There are some other medical issues but I’m not going to go through those now to pile on any reader.
I told the Hawk yesterday that the quality of my life is going down into a huge black hole I just cannot come out of it. I thought after my hip healed I was home free, at least for a while. The Hawk and I just passed our 4th anniversary in September and I’ve spent 3 of them in and out of hospitals. I feel worse for him actually since I’m sure this is not what he expected. Neither did I. The Hawk however is a very good man. I could not ask for more.
The Hawk is forcing me to see the doctor today because I have been too stubborn and I don’t want to go anymore. I know there will be plenty of tests ordered today and I won’t know anything for days, maybe weeks what is wrong. I hate that part so much. Why can’t we get results from these tests right away instead of sitting around wondering and worrying what the problem/s are?
I know there are people who have gone through worse things than I have so I almost hate to complain and whine. But, today, while I wait for my doctor appointment. Why do I have these constant problems? I never had these kinds of medical issues before. Maybe moving to Kentucky was the wrong thing to do. Maybe God is punishing me for all my past sins. I certainly felt like God brought His wrath down on me when my son took his life.
I am a very spiritual person and I pray all the time for God to help me get through each one of these traumas as I call them because they cause me a lot of agony and pain. I also pray for those others I know who are going through their own issues and problems. Sometimes I think God is so sick of me sending up prayers.
Now, I enter another what I call black tunnel whereby I go down into that dark place for at least awhile. I hate these times and wish I could do better than this. But, being a mere mortal I am not the least bit perfect. I get told “not to worry” or “think about it”. But, that does no good for me.
So, today, being pushed and shoved, by the Hawk, for good reason, I get to go back into another black tunnel of test after test until the problem is found and then the treatment begins.
It is a good thing I have the Hawk because I have no family left and he is my only family member now who cares. Also I now have a new brother, a good friend who considers himself my brother and I do too. Otherwise I’d feel so lost and alone.
It is good I developed a sense of taking things one day at a time. Sometimes it’s been one minute at a time. But, it is just another day in the life.
A wise man told me once, “Life is a struggle, it was never meant to be easy”. How true were his words. So I try to take each of these things as a lesson for some reason to be determined later by God.
God works in mysterious ways and I found that He brought me challenges on many levels, but I have seen why in some cases. He brings me someone who may need my help to get through a trauma, a death, an illness and I can repay back in some way to all those other people who have stood by me and prayed for me. Or allowed me to cry on their shoulder or give me comfort. I see where I get to pay it forward at times.
I can then see these struggles almost as a blessing when I can turn around and help another person out during their very difficult and painful times in their lives. So, I have learned over the years that any type of struggle or trauma I have experienced is a lesson to be learned. I think God wants it that way. But, I don’t have a telephone to Him so I should not speak for Him.