Wicked Commentary

Friday Funnies

In order to protect the innocent any names mentioned in this story I changed.

One night my x-husband mentioned that his younger, unmarried brother found out he had varicose veins.  I told my husband  I felt bad for him that it is a very painful thing to have. I  developed a varicose vein in the back of one of my legs while pregnant with my son and knew how much it could hurt at times.

Later, probably months, we attended a family gathering for someone’s birthday at my in-laws’ house.

As families do, after dinner we were all chatting and talking about one thing or another.  My brother-in-law was sitting on the couch with his girlfriend while she was gently massaging his back.

I said to my brother-in-law, “It was very nice to have Maria massage your varicose veins too when they are giving you a lot of pain.”  The room stood still.  No one spoke.  Gasps of shock were the only noises heard at first.

What had I said that was so shocking?

My mother in  law gave me a look that could have killed.

I felt as though I were a small animal caught in the teeth of my mother in law ready to bite my head off.

My brother-in-law was staring at me with the most unusual expression, one of surprise and a smile he was desperately trying to hold back.

I was  bewildered by the reaction of everyone in the room.  No one spoke for the longest time.  It seemed like hours although I’m sure it was only moments that went by.

As we drove home that night, with my son sound asleep in the back seat, I was enjoying the quiet of the evening and the ride home.  Suddenly, my x-husband broke out into uproarious laughter; his head was bouncing off the steering wheel.  My quiet reverie broke by my x-husbands’  laughter and I asked him to please watch where he was driving and what was so damn funny.  He was laughing so hard tears were running down his face.

He said to me, “You didn’t know did you”?  I said to him, “What do you mean, what didn’t I know?”

My x-husband had to pull the car off the road because he could not stop laughing so hard.  Then he told me, “I forgot to tell you that my brother’s varicose veins are in his testicles.”

His testicles ???? 

I had never asked “where” his varicose veins were. I just assumed they were in his legs.  At first I felt angry he never told me where the varicose veins were.

But after my shock, I too started to laugh so hard I thought I’d bust my gut.  It all  made sense why the room full of my in-laws and my brother-in-law never said a word and the room stood eerily still.  What a dunce I had made of myself.

When we got home, the phone was ringing and my brother-in-law was on the line in hysterical laughter as was my x-husband.  He told me he could barely hold back his own laughter after I said what I did knowing full well I had no idea where those varicose veins were.

And here I said to him surrounded by my devoted and strict Catholic in-laws, how nice for Maria to massage your varicose veins. I could hardly believe I had done it again, made such a blunder. I thought about the images that must have gone through my in laws heads as I blithely and innocently mentioned that massage for his varicose veins.

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Comments on: "Friday Funnies" (38)

  1. ROFLOL pepper! Hilarious!!!! I got up too early and haven’t had enough coffee yet to activate brain activity so maybe I will have a funny later……

    Like

    • FOH,

      Glad you got a laugh outta that one. I can say it wasn’t so funny at the time, but later was.
      I can be such a dunderhead blurting out things off the top of my head that I’ve gotten myself into trouble more times than I think of.

      Like

  2. Gray Ghost said:

    It could be worse Pep. The varicose veins could have been in his penis. (Or perhaps in my case after writing this, I probably have varicose veins in my brain.)

    Like

    • Gray Ghost,

      Yeah, that could have been worse. It was bad enough as it was.
      LOL! I think some of us have varicose veins in our brains, probably most of us here.

      Like

  3. Ha ha ha.. Some funny stuff Pepp. But you know, if it were I that had that same problem, you could bet that ‘no one’ would know about it. Let alone all the In-Laws. 🙂

    Like

    • Hawk,
      Yes, I know what a private person you are. Why or how the whole family of my in-laws knew about this is beyond me, but that’s the way it was.

      Like

  4. LOL. Did get more than a few giggles from this, Pepp.

    That said, I don’t have a story to top this one. No matter what I wrote, it would be an anti-climax.

    Like

  5. Pepp,

    LOL. That is a very funny story.
    It also gives new meaning to the phrase ” Pain in the Ba-ls”.

    Goeshawk3
    Like you if i had that problem the only person to know about it would be me.

    Like

  6. Couple of observations:

    1. Mrs Al, would you care to rephrase that comment, or was the pun intended?

    2. I’m wondering if my new girlfriend would fall for that? Think I’ll give it a go…

    Like

    • To say I am embarrassed is an understatement, Paulie. Just plopped down what I was thinking. Sorry if I offended you. Pepp or Goshawk can delete the comment from their dashboard. Maybe it was a “Freudian slip.”

      Like

      • Mrs. Al,

        I would call what you said a Freudian slip but nothing offensive here. We are not easily offended. No need to be embarrassed either. We’ll wait for your embarrassing story or funny one which I’m sure you have.

        Like

      • Mrs. Al,

        It’ll take WAY more than that to offend me (or most anyone else on this board, probably).

        I just kind of wanted to see if you’d squirm a bit…

        Like

    • Paulie,

      Oh, so you have a new girlfriend. We all want to know what she’s like as we have inquiring minds. But, I do imagine you won’t tell us anything. 😦

      Now just what are you going to try with this new girlfriend?

      Like

      • pepp,

        1. yes, I do have a new girlfriend. I am, after all, irresistible.
        2. I’m sure you’d like to know what she’s like: blind, deaf and dumb.
        3. Correct.
        4. I was thinking of referring to your suggestion for relief, actually.

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        • Paulie,

          LOL!
          1. Ah, yes you are so irresistible I will attest to that.
          2. Now this one kind of negates no. 1 if she is dumb, deaf, and blind.
          3. I’m sure you could use the relief. And with her being deaf, dumb and blind she’ll never know what she’s rubbing.

          Like

  7. privbullright said:

    Pepp,

    That is hilarious. They seemed to get a good laugh from it. LOL.

    Like

  8. gunnyginalaska said:

    HILARIOUS! May have to use that one on the old lady.

    Honey…my varicose veins are acting up again…

    Like

  9. I just remembered a very embarrassing incident that happened to me when I was still in the Air Force.

    I and 5 other specialists were on temporary duty at Lowery A.F.B. just outside of Denver Colorado. We didn’t have our own transportation so when we wanted to go into Denver, we took the city bus which came by the Base main gate.

    Well, one day I was headed for town on a very crowded bus. When we approached where I was going to get off I moved to the side exit door waiting for the bus to stop. There was a young couple ahead of me that were standing on the lower step and I was standing right behind them.

    The bus finely came to a stop and the couple in front stepped out into a very crowded sidewalk when the young girls skirt was ripped completely off of her spinning her around at the same time. Her husband was quick to grab her to keep her form falling. He retrieved what was left of the skirt and wrapped it around his wife. It was within seconds I realized that it was all my fault. I had been standing on the higher step but didn’t notice, I was standing on the edge of the girls skirt!

    I was so embarrassed and apologized, offering to buy her a new skirt but her husband said “”Never mind, accidents happen.”

    I don’t know who had the reddest fact me or the young women!

    Like

  10. privbullright said:

    Okay, I feel compelled to make a donation here.

    Many years ago I had to take our daughter to the hospital for a cut on her foot. My wife stayed home with my son. She was around 10. It was one of those things she had cut her foot riding a bike. My wife kept telling her to put her shoes on but to no avail. The emergency room was naturally busy so it was a good wait. After a while I even started browsing through one of those old magazines. Then I noticed the place was getting pretty full. Most of the chairs were now occupied. She was squirming around saying we should be doing something. I reminded her what her mother had told her. I told her to keep still and we just had to wait. Then with no warning she stood up, turned around, looked around at everyone, and stared at me with that look. She put her hands on her waist and said. “Well, its not my fault that you won’t buy me any shoes.” I had been smiling and I felt the smile crack. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that everyone had been looking at her. I was stunned enough I didn’t know what to say, or how to react at first. I said “you can sit down now”. She insisted, “its true!”(emphatically) I just wanted to cringe. Of course, it wasn’t true but what can you do. I said “now that’s baloney” ….and she finally did sit down. But everyone around seemed to be making a judgment call on it. I could hear them thinking “surely a child does not make something like that up”. Oh yes they do I wanted to say. It was a tense time till we finally got home and explained to her mother what happened, while she just grinned from ear to ear at us.

    Like

    • PBR,

      LAMO! That is so hilarious. And oh you are so right kids do these things, tell fibs like that.
      It reminded me of a time my son told some people that my x and I would not allow him any food. Total lie, but they believed it. So utterly embarrassing. I don’t know what gets into kids’ heads to say some of the stuff they do. But your story just cracked me up.

      Like

    • privbullright,

      LOL! Funny that kids do things like that now and then. Your daughter sounds like she’s a smart little cookie, in that she looked around to make sure everyone was watching before she cut-loose on you! 🙂

      Like

      • privbullright said:

        Hawk,
        Ha. Smart wasn’t quite the adjective I had in mind, but ‘very…whatever’. I probably wished I was still stuck in that outhouse in the bush. It did demonstrate her talent though…and timing. (I think she always wanted to be an actress)

        Like

  11. PBR,

    Right, these kids learn early how drama can get their parents into embarrassment. I swear they know just what buttons to push too.

    In fact, I think they are born with a sense of drama and they all should attend drama classes as early as 1 yr old. 2 even better when they start with those dramatic temper tantrums.

    Like

  12. HJC,I had NO idea one could get a varicose vein there. YIKES!!! Great story,BTW.

    Like

  13. Clyde,
    Glad you came over and joined in the fun. Things get downright crazy on here on Fridays.

    Like

  14. That’s a very funny story, Pepp. Actually, I never would have thought of varicose veins in the testicles – I always associated them in the legs.

    Like

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