It is just so terrible that I have so little to run on in the next election. I have us almost completely destroyed economically. I made us look like fools around the world. I’ve apologized I don’t recall how many times for how lazy and stupid Americans are but it seems to make no difference. I just don’t get it. Why don’t the American people see all the good I’ve done for them?
Why don’t they like my health care bill? What does it matter that things didn’t turn out quite like I expected them to? I know everyone’s health care costs have gone up and their employers are dropping their health insurance, but is that my fault? Americans are just dense.
And to be perfectly clear, I’m sick to death of hearing the American people bitch about the price of gas. I keep trying to get them to buy those little plug in electric cars but they don’t go for it. The BP oil spill was not my fault. And I know Ken Salazar is in contempt of court for not allowing drilling to go on in the Gulf, but is that my fault too? Don’t the American people ever think or are they just morons?
What will I do to campaign on? I see I’m being blamed already for this “mess” we are in. It is Bush’s fault actually. It is Japan’s fault for that damn tsunami. Then there was all that flooding and tornado damage. That big old blizzard in the North East. What am I supposed to do? I can’t control nature although I try. Americans are just simpletons.
Well I think I have the answer, besides the obvious one of blaming the Republicans for keeping us jobless, unable to tax the rich out of this debt piled up. I can keep blaming the Republcans for being so damn stubborn and doing nothing in Congress to help me out. Even that corpse harry reid isn’t sticking up for me these days. Oh, well, he has helped a bit by holding up all those 15 jobs bills the Republicans sent up to the Senate, but I’m still being blamed. I don’t see why. I do all I can every day. Even when I’m on the golf course I’m always thinking about the American people and what I can do for them. But, the American people remain half-witted.
But, it doesn’t surprise me that the American people might blame me for their problems because they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment to explain their frustrations. Just like my grandmother Americans are typical white people. Just plain thickheaded.
But, never mind about all that silly stuff. I have a brand new idea that will knock their socks off. I won’t use the words “shock and awe” them. That sounds too much like that war monger cowboy Bush. No, I have a whole new approach.
Here I come to save the day! Superman to the rescue. I am faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I am from the planet Krypton and so strong nobody can take me on. I am just so sneaky and non-transparent. You didn’t think I meant that about being transparent did you? If you did that is your crack-brained fault for believing that line of crap I gave you, but you Americans are dolts and you never have understood me. I guess that is because I’m from another planet and you don’t think like I do.
Just think of this one! I killed Osama bin Laden all by myself. The American people thought that was me sitting in the White House watching on a big screen bin Laden being killed by Navy Seals. But the truth is I was right there with a gun to his head and I shot him dead! Just dead! The Navy Seals were only there to transport me into the compound and do the dirty work of shipping him out to sea. What?? You say you want to see pictures? Oh, no, I don’t play those games. This is highly classified material and besides I wouldn’t want the Muslim world to be upset. And I’m not so sure I’m allowed to carry a gun. I am from Illinois and you can’t own a gun there. I wonder if I’m allowed to carry one in Hawaii? But, then again I’m not so sure where I was born. Oh, the hell with that little piece of information. That is nobody’s business of course.
And then there is this dumb sucker. He thought he was safe from me. Ha! I showed him. I arrived on one of our top secret drone runways, I electronically directed that drone right over the top of him and dropped that bomb right on his ever loving head. Ha, ha. He had no idea what hit him. That is why the whole world thinks I’m such a slick character the way I take these guys out. You should have been there when Sarkozy and I had a few laughs over that one! I so love the French don’t you? Never mind, Americans seem to have a rather half-baked idea about the French.
Gaddafi! Oh, did I have him fooled. Farrakhan visited him thinking I was on his side, the damn idiot. But when I was over there scratching in the sands of Libya, I came across this loony terrorist hiding in a sewer pipe of all things. Well I quickly, without even one thought for my own safety, pulled him right out of that sewer pipe and smashed his face in as hard as I could. Then I shot him but it is top secret where I shot him and what gun I used. You know in Illinois I tried to get all guns banned, but I kept some for myself. The Secret Service was a bit upset with me for having left them standing in the dust as I rushed forward to get Gaddafi out of that pipe, but I am the Commander in Chief and I can do what I want. My only regret about Gaddafi is that I wish I could have that macho, mean look he has. And those outfits are to die for!
You know what? I am just one cool dude! And if you don’t vote for me, the biggest terrorist killer in the whole world, what can I say? You all are lazy and cretinous Americans is the answer to that one. I’ve now been in 57 states — I think one left to go and all of you in those states are plain witless. Now, let me make this perfectly clear, I am the legendary terrorist killer. I, Me, Myself killed all three of the baddest guys on this earth. And that is just the plain truth. Oh, yeah, I know you Americans complain about the Mullahs in Iran, but really what do you expect me to do about that? They just happen to be good buddies of mine. I can’t turn my back on them now.
My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll keep me as our King, I mean president, so we can keep trying to change this place called America. And who came up with that name for this country is a completely dead headed and fatuous individual.